Whether or not kids should attend a wedding is a debate that has gone on for years and will continue going on for years to come. Every wedding is different. Every couple is different. Some want children to play a major role in their wedding. Others don’t want kids around at all on their wedding day. But how do you decide? Here are the essential questions that you should consider when deciding whether or not kids should attend your wedding.
You love kids – but do you want to love them at your wedding reception? Recently, we’ve seen an increasing number of couples considering asking parents to leave their offspring at home and wondering about the correct way to do it. In fact, I get asked all of the time how to word it on a wedding invitation when you do not want kids to attend your wedding without sounding harsh. When you’re paying per head to feed a crowd and thinking about how to shrink the size of a guest list, one of the simplest solutions is taking people’s children out of the equation. Let’s be honest, you also have to consider how much drinking will be going on at your reception. If there is going to be a lot of drinking, should the kids stay home? But how do you know if it’s the right answer for you and your wedding? Before you make the choice, here are a few key things to consider about having kids attend your wedding.
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Should Kids Attend the Wedding? Question #1:
How sensitive are your friends & family?
Okay, maybe this should really say, “how long do your nearest and dearest tend to hold grudges?” Let’s face it, people are touchy about their kids. They’re protective and nobody likes to hear that their little “love button” is not welcome somewhere. When some parents see “kid free event” they automatically get defensive and have no idea why you wouldn’t want their little ones to be there to enjoy your big day. You can be certain that no matter how you word it, there will be some people you know who will be HIGHLY offended by the suggestion that they leave their progeny at home. You can sweeten it by telling them how you really want them to “enjoy a night out together” but for some, it won’t matter. Some people are more prickly about being told to leave their kids behind than others. The question is, how many of these kinds of people are on your guest list and how long will they hold a grudge about it? Sometimes it’s just an awkward conversation and some talk behind your back for a few weeks while they express their outrage and get it out of their system. For some families though, it can lead to a major rift and a grudge that’s held for years. Think about how the families on your list are most likely to react and make your choice accordingly. If you have a large number of kids in your family and don’t want to deal with the wrath of their parents for years to come, it may be worth it to let the kids attend the wedding. If there are only a few little ones in your family, asking them to stay home may not be a big deal. Getting a feel for this before you make the decision may help you sway one way or the other.
Should Kids Attend the Wedding? Question #2:
Are you being inclusive or exclusive?
When you’re considering eliminating children from the guest list, you have to be prepared to be consistent. If you’re going to request that no children attend the wedding, it has to mean NO children. There is no middle ground here people. For example, you can’t tell your guests that they can’t bring their children and then let the wedding party bring theirs (unless they are in the wedding, too). Not only is this not the best etiquette, but it can also result in some crabby wedding guests. Trying to create a middle ground just results in hurt feelings and grudges from the families whose children are not welcome, as this can easily be taken personally. You have a tiny loophole for kids who are part of the bridal party, but that’s as much leeway as you can get. So you have to decide which is worse for you: your sister-in-law not being able to bring her wild bunch to your ceremony and reception or missing out on having your best friend’s three-year-old whom you adore around to dance the night away with you on the dancefloor. Whatever you choose, just remember to keep it inclusive with the “all or nothing” mentality when it comes to kids attending your wedding.
Should Kids Attend the Wedding? Question #3:
Could your budget accommodate babysitters or a black-tie sitting service?
One easy (but pricey) way around all of the issues that may arise from not having kids at your wedding is to provide trusted childcare. Although I’m pretty sure you didn’t start out budgeting for childcare as part of your wedding expenses, many couples find that it is quite literally an answer to their prayers. You get the child-free wedding and reception you really want, all your guests get to enjoy their evening kid-free, and nobody gets offended by you suggesting their “precious little snook-ems” aren’t welcome at your party!
It is important to remember when doing this that it needs to be a trusted service. Parents won’t leave their kids with just anyone (and with good reason!). There are dedicated black-tie sitting services out there and nanny networks that offer specialized services for events and weddings that go WAY beyond simple childcare. From games and activities to entertainment options, you can create and customize an atmosphere that is fun and safe for kids while their parents party the night away. Pricing on services will depend entirely on the number of children attending as it affects the number of caregivers needed, but I’d suggest expecting a minimum spend of $1,000 if you’re considering making a service like this part of your big day. If you decide not to have children attend your wedding and are willing to add this to your budget, this is a fantastic solution.
Should Kids Attend the Wedding? Question #4:
How much of a people pleaser are you?
I know, I know, if you weren’t a people pleaser you wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t be a hard decision, right? The fact that you’re struggling with this shows that you’re compassionate and care about your guests, their experience, and their kids. The way that you are going to make your guests feel is worrying you, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Keep in mind that not all people pleasers are cut from the same cloth. Through the years, as we have helped clients navigate choices like this, we’ve noticed that while all of them start out pretty stressed and worried about making this choice, some of them ultimately discover that they can deal with the level of irritation/disappointment from the family members that refuse to understand that the decision is not about them. While others quite literally can’t sleep at night because of the stress from worrying that people will be disappointed/angry with them. So ask yourself, which category do you fall into? Once you and your family and friends get past that initial awkward conversation, will life return to normal or are you going to be panic stricken and miserable for the next several months as the wedding day approaches? The bottom line when it comes to having kids at your wedding or not is how you feel about it.
No doubt about it, this is not an easy or enviable choice to have to make. There is no universal right answer to the question. Having kids at a wedding is okay for some people and for others it just isn’t a good option. However you choose to use your invites don’t allow others to make you feel guilty for your choices once you’ve made them. Breathe deep, focus on the love you share with your fiancé, the commitment you’re making to one another, and the joy it brings you – everybody else has the same pants to get happy in that they get mad in. At the end of the day, it’s not about pleasing them, it’s about celebrating the two of you. Whether you decide to have kids at your wedding or not, it will be a special day, and that is what matters.
